We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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