Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
