im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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