I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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