Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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