A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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