i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
