On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
