I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just want to make out with him forever
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
