2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
