You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
