I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
