In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
