she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
