His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
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In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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