Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
