I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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