I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
