I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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