So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
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Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
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He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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