I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
