Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
