I want to make a zoo with you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
