She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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