just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
