that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
