I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
