Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
