You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
