Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
