I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
