I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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