hell yes lets make some ravioli
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
