i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
