He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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