after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
