gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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