Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
