I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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