I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
