I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
