This is not my ceiling
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
