the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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