my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She said her name was "party"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.