i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
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Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
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Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.