Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Randomize
