I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
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Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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