Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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