I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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