GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
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