whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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