i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
