Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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