I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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