you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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