mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
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I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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