I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
