He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
