Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
