I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
