I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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