I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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