I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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