Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
