I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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