Your mouth is God's brothel.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
