Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
